valentines card for early birds: oh i know valentines is tomorrow, but it’s never too soon to plant two lips on a garden of smiles.
valentines card for night owls: oh there’s a painting about us, and it isn’t that one by edward hopper. it’s that one in the “cama” sutra.
valentines card for invisible people: hi, i want to ____ you ____ all _____ for as long as ______ infinite pleasure.
valentines card for a militant feminist: oh your pussy’s a riot, and i’m excited to know who’s making a jailbreak this time. because consent is sexy, i’ll turn around with these flowers here, and await your orders from the front.
valentines card for a sexy prowler: oh don’t worry about me. i’m sound asleep. i left the window open for you to steal a kiss, and then leave.
valentines card for only the lonely: oh only you know the way i am inside. being only the lonely sometimes just feels like the honest thing to do, but did you know that Roy Orbison also wrote “The Macarena” for us to dance all night to?
valentines card for the wolf eating me: oh baby, you’re tearing me apart, literally. but somehow i’m thinking that maybe you came to this secluded mountain pasture for a little more than just pawing all over little ole’ me.
valentines card for folks who think of me on valentines day and who i think of also: i won’t call. you won’t either. in a way, my love, we’ll never need to. <3
valentines card for a sexy web-manager: is it cool that i consider my conspiracy theory website an appendage to my okcupid profile?
valentines card for the emotionally immature: if you’re gonna talk about it then why don’t you just kiss me or whatever and just marry me. i don’t care! don’t leave! i love you! aw, shut up, you said it first (baby, could you please just not talk so loud?).
valentines card for people in muscle magazines: sure, you sound like a spring-oiled grasshopper each time you flex, but how about hopping onto the grass quietly for some joy of sex?
valentines card for shy impressionable adults: you love me. you love me. you love me. i’ll do anything for you, ‘cause i’m crazy too. (ok, your turn)
valentines card for some one who posted looking for a long term relationship on craigslist casual encounters: i know that road is hard to walk, and just saying what we need is brave indeed. but i’ll repeat what you wrote in the sky, if only you only gave fearlessness another try - in the sheets.
valentines card for a cynic: i would make love my girlfriend and marry her today, if only love wasn’t so chock-full of lies and misery. but we can make dew with pure sex, shaken loose from our reins of torment. it’ll turn to love anyway, ‘cause we’re just a pair of suckers like that.
valentines card for parenthesis: it takes two to half-keep a secret. (and so many ((to make it worth digging deeper for meaning)))
valentines card for a man with a noisy chainsaw: i saw you dance at the end of a movie. and at that beginning of that book, someone described you cutting a swan out of ice. but i just say “keep that chainsaw going”, because i want you to think i’m hip to today’s music.
valentines card for morning wood: although i’m unsure if i’m just happy to see you or not, you valiantly step up to the plate to remind me that: 1. i’m not playing baseball in my dreams, and 2. everyday i play in love’s big leagues.
valentines card for ladies that work behind counters: every store that i step into - i adore you. and we naturally get along so well. i want a counter installed in my bedroom. no need for a ringbearer either. set it down, and just pass the kindness between us, stranded on opposite sides of a painted formica surface with our eyes locked!
valentines card for my personal facebook stalker: you wouldn’t be such a walkin’ stalker if you were just more a listenin’ talker (or even a do-er but that’s cool - er - since i’m so fond of your hair-do too-er). brass tacks: in real life i need a wife with your tonal range for a harmonious song i call “ain’t love strange?”
valentines card for lonely hearts: when it’s dark, please know you aren’t alone. millions of hands share that darkness clinched inside a solitary walk home. hold on. without you, all loneliness would be unbearable. (it was seven years ago today…)
valentines card for a plumber in a porno: honey, if we can get an actual working sink installed in this place - all our troubles: down the draino.